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Coping, Hope, Faith, Reality, Uncategorized, Wisdom

Been Meaning Too…

I have been meaning to do so much in my life, but never get around to it.  Now life has caught up to me.  I am in my sixth decade now.  I have three grown children and two small grandchildren.  I have not adjusted to being almost old yet.

The biggest disappointment in my life was that my children grew up too fast for me to adjust to life without them. I wanted them to stay little longer that I could hug and kiss them more and be a part of their lives. I just loved spending time with them.  Being a mother was the greatest gift of my life.   Having children allowed me to enjoy childhood again from a different perspective.  I delighted being a part of their lives so much so-that I did not create a life of my own. They are grown now and so complicated because of what life has taught them. There is little need for me anymore.  I confess.  I feel forlorn,useless, misunderstood and helpless.  It seems I have lost my aim in life.  I am too old to use my degrees, am too young to retire and not enough money to do what I want.  Terrible, huh?

As children get older they create their own lives-which indeed is what parents want them to do.  Our kids pull away from mommy and daddy; yet, find the need to question their parents in preparation to take over their care later.  Now, there are many more arguments when I try to offer them suggestions.  “Mom! Things just are not done that way anymore!”  Since when have the basics of living changed?

The older I get, the more I feel the need to apologize to my mother.  I understand what she went through raising us especially without a husband.  I thought I was being a pest calling and checking on my mom so much.   Even though I lived four hours away, I always took the kids to visit with her frequently.  My children knew their grandmother well. Loved her deeply.  I was the only child that did that, even though my brother and his family lived only twenty minutes away.  I realize now that my mother must have been lonely in that big house alone; therefore, she really enjoyed our company.  Enjoying our lives allowed her to do what she loved the most cook, knit, and love her grand children.  She was happy.  I was happy enjoying being with her.

Now, I must learn another lesson from my mother.  How to go on living creating a life for me that I can enjoy.  I find I get depressed.  When I say things, I am always corrected.  When I try to help, I am not needed.  I am not allowed to have my own opinions  anymore certainly not to be expressed.  My children control access to my grandchildren.  I find I am more stressed now that my children are grown than I ever was when they were growing up.  Life is not fun anymore, but I refuse to give up on making it fun.  I keep trying.  I stop trying to help.  Often I just stay away.  I picked up knitting and crocheting again-anything to keep my mind occupied.

I am really not alone.  I am married to a wonderful man.  I rarely spend time with him.  Not that I do not want to spend time with him, but I have been unable to find a job in the area we live even though I have a Masters’ in education.  Thus, my husband feels it is necessary to cover my slack by working two jobs.  He teaches all day, sleeps a few hours, then goes to work afternoons cleaning a restaurant until two or so in the morning.  He sleeps a few more hours and goes to his teaching job.

Intellectually, I understand it is not my fault, but I still carry great guilt that I cannot help more.  I do work, but nothing like what my degrees dictate I should be bringing home.  I do not want for much. However, I would like to do a few things on my bucket list.  I finally realized, “I ain’t got no bucket!”  Still, I would love to travel with family and friends.  Not gonna happen anytime soon!

Thus, to make my everyday life better, I set small goals for myself.  I am going to read a certain book at Starbucks today or work on my novel.  Or, I am going to reorganize my bedroom.  Or, I am going to watch the entire series of NCIS while I knit.  Basically, I am going to stop having expectations that involve other people. I can only plan for me.  I cannot control my children’s attitudes about anything!  I cannot force my children to spend time with me; or, allow me to see their children.  They are busy.  I have no control over that. I do control if I am busy.

Lastly, my husband’s entire goal in life is to live comfortably.  I see that life itself is getting in the way of that goal.  He has to not let life live for him. He must learn that for himself.  I want him to enjoy more of those people who love him-me! I want him unstressed and looking for the joy in life.  I have been meaning to explain that to him again. But first, I must understand and practice that myself.

 

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