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Coping, Despair, education, employment, Emptyness, sadness, students

$8.75 per hour

In my next existence, I want to appreciated. Perhaps I am that now, but I do not recognise the existence of that appreciation. I work practically everyday in someone’s classroom for peanuts. I make $8.75 an hour babysitting students. That is about $75.00 a day.   I am called a substitute teacher.  I have a masters degree.  I rarely know where I am going to work when I wake up on a school day.  I do not know what school or subject I will be teaching. I could make more at Mc Donald’s. This is horrible for me and for the students.  

Students are not fond of substitute teachers.  Why I asked?  The student said, “The subs are just sitters!  They do not care about the students. The subs never talk to us.  They sit and read their books, play on their computers and phones and fall a sleep in class. Subs do anything- but talk to the students. You are not like that. You always have time for a student no matter what. We love you. You remember our names. You ask us questions. You smile and laugh with us. For us, you are real. We exist.” Wish they wrote the pay checks!

Yet, I struggle everyday with being me.  I am ashamed I can’t find a real job.  I am a “teacher of the year” who could not find a job. I have lived with this personal humiliation for the last fourteen years. I have applied for every job invented. Nothing!  Because God has seen fit to provide me with a wonderful husband, I have a way of life. I love teaching!  The students love me. I am a great teacher.   Nonetheless, teaching does not love me.  I feel like a failure.  Some teachers have retired and are back in the school system working in a different capacity. Me-I cannot find a job in any form. Too much education for some jobs. No one wants to pay me what I am worth.

Now,  old age is boldly coming my way. I have given up hope of ever being able to support myself or my family.   I would love to wander into a store and have the money to actually buy what I want or especially what I need. I know there is a reason for everything. Am I being punished? I feel awful that my husband works two full time jobs because I can’t find one. But then again, he is the reason we are in this shitty town. 

I want to live somewhere I can be appreciated. Where I can be happy and feel I have worth. I need a huge dose of happiness with a side of a paycheck. I would still teach. It is pitiful what substitute teachers get paid. But no one cares because subs are just not important. Who cares about what students think? They are just kids- our future. 

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