I thought I was something. I thought I was suppose to be someone. I thought life was going to be anything but this.
What my daughter did to me opened up my world to what reality is. I was better off just ignoring it I thought. Can’t do that any longer.
My aim is to find an achieveable goal for the rest of my life; one that nourishes my soul. I have no idea where to start. It is an awful feeling to live decades believing you are achieving something that would make a difference,even a tiny bit in the world around you; then, discovering everything you did was like footsteps in the sand.
We are all about those who love us and the sacrifices we have made for those we love. I have spend my life giving to others. Perhaps,that is what I was created for.
I am a great mother. I did not fail my children- one child failed me. That was not my fault, but hers and the f—ed up society we live it. I am a teacher. A great teacher without a class to teach. Where do I go from here? How do I make the remainder of my life something to anticipate?
Damn! Today I woke up to realized I am just a housewife working for spending money. That is sad. I believe I am worth so much more. But where is my proof?
So! What is my purpose?
Before this life is over for me, I want to fall in love. Oops! Did that almost thirty years ago. That is what started all of this!
I have been with the same man in marriage almost three decades. Best friends for years before we married, he was always there with a gentil hand no matter where my life or his led us- often in opposite directions.
When I married him, my life ceased to be mine-but his to guide. I was young and in love. I trusted him. He is not a good man. He is a great man. Far from rich, never with enough money and not ever loving me the way I thought he should, we raised children. He had a great career. I got the left overs of a career.
Thus, I believed- I am a failure. Fretting every month trying to pay the only bill I have to pay. I thought I would have it all by now. On my way to retirement with money of my own.
Alas, so far from the naked truth. We have nothing. Our house is heated by wood. Our cars are only one year into the new century. Hubby works two jobs. I can’t find one. We have no cable; or, satellite service. Therefore, everything we learn about life, we find from books, radio or the internet. We are always home and our house looks like it. There is not a neat room in our home. It is our home we share with a menagerie of animals.
I am here to say, I got exactly what I asked God for that day on the alter decades ago. My life has been one adventure after another, seldom with enough time to recuperate stamina before the next adventure begins. . Perhaps, if I wanted a better life, I should have asked God for money. But God knows me. We talk often. I would have been terribly unhappy. I am not a materialistic person.
I thought I was something. I am not a “thing”. I thought I was suppose to be someone. I am. I thought life was going to be anything-but this. Absolutely! It is just that anything and everything.
I have a husband who loves me. Children who bring me drama and grandchildren. I have time to be whomever I want to be on any given day. The only thing I don’t have is money. Money is underrated. There are so many people who died rich with sorry lives. I feel fortunate that won’t be me!
But, my life does not prevent me from trying to find a source of some monetary fullfillment. Certainly, money would make adventures-a whole lot easier.