Something is wrong

Something is wrong with my life. I thought that by time I got to be in the decade that I’m in, life would be better than it is. I am tired of watching other people live their lives and I’m in the stands of my life watching then live. I’ve had a career.  I am married with grown children. I’ve had everything in life that life should hold. Yet, I am just so very unhappy. I am not suicidal, absolutely not. But I am just so “ho hum” about living.  I lay in my bed sick with a cold, trying to look and read the screen in my mind. I need to find a way to enjoy the years that I still have left. I want to know why I am so unhappy.

Perhaps, one of the reasons I am so unhappy with my life is because of my relationship with my family. I love my family. I just wish that we actually got along. I want to have the storybook family. I want to be able to visit my children, their children and have a good time. I don’t want the arguments and senseless monotony of deciphering the stupidness of every day living.

Actually, I think I know what is wrong with my life. There is a huge lack of any joy or fun anymore. Without those two important elements the formula just does not work; that would be the formula for a great life.  My life is just boring. I try every day to do something to spice up living.  I knit.  I crochet.   I read books. I go to work. Nothing seems to bring fun into my life.

 Fun is something that nobody can give me. Fun is something I have to find for myself. My problem is, I try so hard to help others that I do not realize they do not want my help. Hard lesson to learn -harder lesson to appreciate.q I have to retrain myself  to back off and away from those I love.  Let them blossom alone and pray whatever happens will not be too severe that they cannot recover from and bounce back well.

Leaving those I love alone without me, it not the hard part really. The hard part for me is creating a life that I want to live.  A life where I am the center of it. I like living, having fun and looking forward to see those I love.  Thus, begins the quest for me. A journey where I can find happiness in myself and life.  Stay tuned.