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Coping, Despair, Emptyness

Where to from here?

If you read my last blog “But of Course”, then you’ll understand how absolutely devastated I was by what my daughter did to me:

How do I get up again after being so distraught?

I’m overwhelmed!

I have no idea how to heal from the brokenheartedness I feel bursting from my heart.  

I have tried to forget her behavior that day. 

I tried to tell myself she was having a baby within an hour, but it’s not enough to stop me from crying! 

I am a mother, who was forbidden from being at the birth of her child-having a child. 

How can I forget that-even though I must? 

I wanted to die that day. 

To sink into the place where I could be held and forced to feel better-or forget.

How can I tolerate the pain and grief of my own flesh and blood deliberately, viciously and with malice-hurting me?

Why? 

I can’t fathom anyone being so cruel to another person, a mother, who has raised her with all the love and luxury that could be given to a child.

Momentarily, I swallowed my acute discomfort and inadequacies; went to see the baby two days after her birth. 

Had to see my grandchild. She is breathtakingly beautiful.

 Had to love her, kiss her, hold her, squeeze her, for all the days to come that I would miss her. 

Perhaps, then I can go on and try to overcome my hurt that someday I will look my own child in her eyes without remembering the pain she nonchalantly tossed upon my heart.  

There is no redo for such a glorious event as the birth of my first granddaughter; for this will be with me for the rest of my life. 

Help!

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