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comedy, Reality

Sit, Squat Or line?

There are certain topics that polite people do not talk about, but often think and question. One such topic, do I sit, squat or line the toilet seat in public? Whether one admits it or not-everyone has to pee or (God forbid) poop in a public facility.  This occurs much too often to me. I have no gall bladder. Thus, many foods upset my stomach frequently often without warning. Then, I am in a mad rush for the nearest place to go to keep for embarrassing myself and ruining what I am wearing. Two most important rules for toilet etiquette: One-Stay away from bodily fluids!  Two- “If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be neat and wipe the seat!”

I hate and absolutely abhor outhouses, Port-a-Potties or anything in that category. I will avoid them like the bubonic plague. Never met a clean one. I was in line at a phone store some time back. I was waiting to get my phone repaired. The line was a long and winding one throughout the store. I got bored; therefore, I started talking to the people around me. We swapped what happened to our phone stories. The one lady in front of me I knew was listening, but did not say a word. When she finally got up to the counter, the salesman asked her if her phone was lost. She said,”Oh no sir! I know exactly where my phone is.” 

The salesman said, “Well Ma’ma, for us to help you, you must have your old phone.” The lady stared at him for a long moment. 

“Ma’ma where is your phone that you did not bring it with you?” He said like he had repeated those same words a thousand times that day.

The lady looked at the salesman with a peculiar, weird look on her tired face. 
“Just give me a new phone. I will pay for it! Damn! I am not going after that damn phone! It fell in the Port-a-Potty!” 

Everyone in hearing distance fell out laughing. She did not crack a smile. To here it was not in the least bit funny. She had spent the entire weekend without a phone.The salesman paused briefly to take in what she said. Then got her an another phone. No more questions asked. If I have to go to a Port-a-Potty, I pray. Now, I make sure my phone is somewhere safe if I have to go into a port-a-potty.

Anyway, so as my life would have it, I ate something that did not agree with me at school-not a familiar school either-and had to go badly. Oh, goodness. Found the first female facility I could locate with a toilet. Was hoping for a big restroom so I could kinda hide. I was mortified to discover there was only one toilet. Yuk! Now I had to worry about sound, smell and a possible witness to my distress. First, no time to line the toilet. Shit! Literally. So, I sat. While sitting I thought of the many diseases I could get. As all hell let loose down there, I realized that what was in contact with the toilet was the same area that would contact a bench if I had shorts on in the summer. Therefore, if I lined the toilet, the effect would be the same. No protection for the plopping of the water when the poop dropped and splashed. One of my students brought this subject up in class once. He said he would plop and jump off the toilet before the water from the plop reached his butt. We laughed with him.
I really prefer to line the toilet and sit. Still, there are times when I just squat. I can squat but then there is the worry about peeing on the toilet seat. Then you have to wipe yourself, and the seat before the flush. Does that mean do both before you pull your pants up? What I hate about squatting is when it runs down your leg on to the floor, your pants or on the shoes. Like how do you cover that up? Make sure you wipe the floor. Worst part of all for squatting is finding out in the act that you have diarrhea. Unfortunately, a rapid choice has to be made; to remain squatting or hurriedly sit down to finish. I sit. Less mess.
All said and done, life is full of choices everyday. I hope for the least embarrassing option. The best alternative for me, is the toilet with the paper shields in a private, clean location with music playing and few people if any. I do not care what most people think; nonetheless,I want to be comfortable if I have to go in public. Who talks about the etiquette of the toilet? No one. Perhaps we should because we all see the results when something goes horribly wrong!




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