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Coping, Despair, Emptyness, Hope, Hope, Faith, Wisdom

Wishful thoughts

Today is November 1, 2015.  There is nothing special about today that I remember off hand.  No one I know was born on this day.  No one I know died on this day.  Nothing effecting happened on this day.  Thus, this day has nothing significant for or about me; yet, it is a new day, sunny and early.  I still have time to ruin this day’s beauty or make it a good memory.

Let me see…  I have no money, but I paid the phone bill completely.  That is a great accomplishment.  Now, I do not have to worry about it getting shut off where my kids or husband are out of touch with me. One less worry.  But then again, life without a phone was peaceful.  Bad news finds everyone soon enough always to quickly.  Good news is welcomed at anytime everywhere.  So what do I want on this day to happen?  Damn that is an great question.  There is so much to be done that I just stand still, in the middle of the room, trying to make up my mind about my next move.  I want a satisflying Sunday or a fun Sunday.

But I have wishes-dreams.  I wish I had a date with a friend to do something different.  I want to go to a water park!  I want to slide down the most exotic slides.  I want to laugh and plunge deep into the warm, clorinated water and swirl around.  I want to experience the bliss of having no cares for the moment.   To able to relive the happiness of a child as I giggle in delight pushing the wet hair out of my face.  I do not want to care about my bills.  I do not want to care about my weight or my bank account.  I do not care even if I do not have enough money to get home.  I will think my day is worth the wait of burden which will eventually too quickly over take me again. I just want to have fun again! Pure fun! Fun! Without worry about getting arrested, drunk, or what will happen tomorrow.  I think this would be the perfect dream.  Do you remember when you were a kid?  I had so many days when life was great.  I do not have that any more.   I spend my life in drabness worrying about bankrupcies, bills, money, my health, my children, my husband and what I have to do to escape this bed of responsibility- just for a while.  Water’s weightlessness would be welcomed about now.  I do not want to wake up old and realize I missed all the fun.

Just because I am middle aged why do I have to be unhappy.  I do not have a bad marriage.  I have wonderful children.  So why is life so hopeless?  I say because no one have vision. I seemed to have lost mine.  I need to search for the fun in my live like I have been searching for the elusive damn job every fucking day!  Maybe that will encourage happiness to reenter my life and make it  worth living again.  I do not have to waste my life sleeping, or watching television.  I want to practice being happy and having fun.  So, how do I start this new goal.  I start with me.  Then, I will try to infect someone I love.  Oh God! This is an the impossible dream. Can you help?

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