Those people that know me know I come from a long line of teachers. My grandmother was a teacher in the one room schoolhouse for colored children in Georgia. She taught every little negro child in the area. She knew them all. She was your typical negro parent- loving but hard on her kids. She did not care if she birthed you are not . You were her child, which meant you had to learn.
My mother was an only child for twenty fours years. Born in the north to expectations, she excelled at everything she did her entire life. She was a doctor, a midwife, a nurse, a teacher, a Dean, a lover and a mother. She did all her roles well. She was my role model. Someone I could never live up to. She had three children. I am the oldest. I am a teacher. My bother is an enginer and a nurse in CCU in a veteran’s hospital. My sister is a teacher in China. She might be back in the States now. My mother made successful children. We all have Masters Degrees. Which means we are a success. Right?
Absolutely, not! This is August, 2015. Another year that I am not teaching. I am a failure. I flunked the class on how to get a job teaching and keep it. I have too much integrity to be a good teacher. However, I am a great teacher. But where is the pleasure in that? August and no class to teach and no paycheck. I have costed my family everything. We are living off of the bare minumin. Because of me and my lack of being able to find a employment, we had to declare bankrupcy. How humiliating. I tried everything I know to find a job teaching- no such luck. I have given up.
I am too old, too black, too different and too everything. I wake up everyday now that school has started wondering what’s the point in life if I cannot do what I am good at and love. I can not support myself or help our children. I have no income. I am a grown ass woman with no income to support me. Not my fault. I cannot get a job outside of the teaching world. I have no self esteem left anymore. I feel no one respects me.
I know better than to say God has forsaken me becausse I know that is not true- but too often that feeling slips out of me before I can stop it. “And what do you do?” Nothing I repy-nothing.
When will anyone notice how unemployment dehumanizes people. It makes them pretent they are who they know they can’t be. What do I see when I look into the mirror? Someone who can’t buy her husband a gift without borrowing money from him first.
Sometimes I want to hurry up and get to my ending because everyday I wake wondering if today is the day something great will happen to me. Then this day is the same as the day before. There is nothing worse, except pain and dying, than feeling useless and not needed. It is like being invisible!
I am a teacher. God made me a great one. Been teacher of the year, teacher of the month with so many honored education accolates. Now I am a teacher without a classroom or student. Have faith I am told. Keep trying. Well, when does one stop trying? When do I cease hitting my head against people who just do not care about education especially teachers and me. This year somehow I must make it better. For I have not been taught how to quit. That is a lesson mom or grandmother did not teach me.