Today is my birthday. Just another day really. I always try to use this day to think about me-my life. Am I living it to the best of my ability? This birthday is different. Different in how I see the day and myself. So much has occurred to me this year, that it has changed how I think. That could be a good thing or bad maybe. So I decided to write about the wishes I truly want. Things that I would like that I cannot mention to anyone one because of a variety of reasons: I am a wife, a mother and a person. I am suppose to be a caring and a nurturing person for anyone one who needs me. Right? However, this is a blog. I tell the truth to my readers and myself! I am anomomous.
Therefore, I do not have to be politically correct. I can be the real me without having to worry about hurting someone’s feelings or they hurting mine. Do not mistaken my intent. I am just being truthful to me about me for strangers who cannot blab on me to anyone I know.
I want a wonderful part-time job doing something I enjoy doing. It does not have to pay a lot just enough so I can do what I desire. I need to make enough money to pay my phone bill and do some of the thing that allow me to be me. My children are still in school and they are on my phone account. I also have other devices on the same account too. I must be able to keep in touch with my children. I do not care how old they get! I calculate that i would like to make at the very least twelve thousand dollars a year after taxes. I can survive on that because I have a husband. Of course, I would be happy with more.
I would like a car of my own again. I choose to surrender the car with the bankruptcy because the car was a lemon. There was much too much wrong with it and it was recalled. Because I do not have to be anywhere really everyday, I am very flexible. Nonetheless, I am an official for volleyball and softball and have to travel in season. Although we do have other cars, I do not know if or when they will be available for my use. Having my own car means freedom to not go or to go anywhere.
In lieu of getting a regular job, I would like to create a successful business. I would love to be able to use my creations and talents. If I could make such a thing successful, well… I would not need a “real” job. I do most crafts. I write. I teach. I officiate. I coach. I thought that maybe one of these things would be desirable. Still, hoping.
I would like to be able to rekindle a sexual relationship with my husband. He is a wonderful man. Down through the years, he has been so busy being him that we missed out a lot on us. The man I married is not the same man I am married to today; although both are the same person. If you have been married for a long time, you understand. Sex was never a priority in our relationship. When it happened- it was truly worth waiting for. Now that we are older, I fear those days are gone. Now, we are the best of friends great company for each other, sleep together (of course), are affectionate-but no sex. I am uncomfortable talking with him on this subject. Perhaps the only topic we cannot discuss together. He never brings the subject up. When he does, he says, “It’s broke!” Now, what does a woman say back to that statement? “Hand it to me. Let me fix it?” I wish it were that simple. It ain’t! In all the time that he and I have been a we, I have never stepped out on him or wanted to really. But I miss the hot, sweaty, heart-throbbing deliciousness of having sex with the one I love so much. After all, I am not dead yet! I believe I can still be delightful. If it is because he cannot perform, I wish I understood why he won’t get help. Can you even imagine the personal difficulties not having sex caused me? I am embarrassed to admit I am married yet do not have sex. I do not share this information with anyone except my best friend from childhood. This really messes with my self esteem much too often. If the subject comes up, it will surely be at the most inconvienent time-the wrong time. For example, having just received notice that my job is been eliminated, sitting in my room alone-a sense of inadequacy overtakes me. Then, before I can stop the sensation from occurring, I am reminded I have not had sex. Could it be that I am not attractive enough? I am too fat or i am not desirable? Does my breath stink? Everyone knows when bad things happen- little unpleasant things seem to haunt one’s mind and heart. Such things visit the soul and settles in to find a home. Yuck! Brings on a mandatory time of personal reflection and self-motivation. Ugh!
Additionally, I would like to be a grandmother to my only grandchild. My son is a father. He has been in and out of court for most of this year. We have not seen our grandson for almost two years. The most horrendous thing is that he lives less than ten miles away from us in the same small town. The mother makes no effort to allow us to see the child who will be three soon. How inconsiderate indeed. To deprive a child of his grandparents is a sin punishable only by God.
Of course, I would also like to travel more to places off the beaten path- not the tourist routes. I love to meet new people and do different things. Lately, my husband and I took up fishing. Wow! We are having fun with that. I even caught fish! I taught my husband how to clean fish too. With this in mind, I want a honest relationship with my children more like we had when they were small. I find parents of grown children do not tell what is truly on their minds once their babies grow up. We tend to be afraid that what we say will cause our children to withdraw from us; thus, ruining our relationship all together. What I believe is not worth that loss. Still, it is a terrible strain on me to misrepresent my feelings to the child I raised. But it is what it is.
Lastly, I want to feel useful. Isn’t that what life should be about? I want to be needed and able to help others. I used to care what people thought of me. I do not any more. Must be a luxury of getting old. I do not make enough money to be important to most. I have my friends who like me for me no matter what I make. I have lost friends I thought were friends. I just want to enjoy living life the time I have left with those I love who want me around for who I really am. But alas, my day is almost up. Perhaps I should return to the reality of the truth. Things will most like never be what I want. I suppose I need to learn to cope with how things are. Hell, I am a dreamer. I will keep trying.