It seems like years since I updated my blog. I just was not feeling up to it. No, I was not ill physically- maybe mentally a bit. You see I am going to hell. I just finally chose to admit this to myself.
I am going to hell because I am not politically correct. I can’t even pretend it anymore more. The damn truth persists in slapping me in the face every time the situation arises. Shit! Why can’t I lie? Why can’t I fool myself like I can others? I do not want too is why! I cannot lie to me. This is fucked up! (I am not a swearer. I am thinking of taking it up.)
I have two beautiful daughters. The oldest is talented, smart, creative and works terribly hard. Her one flaw, a major one, is that she chooses friends appallingly. She has always had some piece of a boyfriend since she entered high school. Her first one was a good kid. In ninth grade they started dating. He was a paperboy when he was not studying or playing at football. He was one of eleven children- the second oldest. He was smart and hardworking. He took her to the movies. This He earned everything he did by hard work. Often this embarrassed her because he did things in ways that were not acceptable by the right friends she was trying to empress at the time. One he paid for movie tickets for them both by dumping all quarters from a brown bag on the counter at the theater. They dated all through high school. But, as high school ended, they decided it was best to date others. She dated a fool. He dated a bimbo. Both ended badly for each.
That was back in 2007. Today, he is out of the picture. She has lost her mind. But I still love her. My darling daughter is a lesbian but not by her admission. She does not like be called that term “lesbian”. She is the main reason “I am going to hell.”
As we all know, the Supreme Court made same sex marriage legal. While many people were cheering, I cried and shook my head. I have no issues with same sex marriage even for my children providing that is their wish and truly what they want. With Caitlyn Jenner coming out late in life, I would rather try to cope now than later. I do not profess that I know my daughter better that she knows herself; be that as it may, I know my child. She is not gay and freely admits this. Then, why is she messing around with a woman-especially one with so little to give by her standards? (For this writing, I will call her “She” for lack of a better word.) They met when both were in high school. I am going to hell because a good mother is supposed to support her children in who they love regardless. Can’t do it.
She is five years older than my daughter. Her age is not relevant to the problem. Everything else is. I took into consideration the following:
- She is a devout lesbian from a very young age. She left her partner of ten years, to be with my child after meeting again after two weeks. She met her partner in high school.
- She wrecked my daughter’s car driving to the liquor store
- She was drunk and driving.
- She ran into a parked car
- She left the scene of the accident parking the car in front of her mother’s house and disappearing
- She lied about taking the car
- She lied about causing the accident to my daughter
- My daughter took the blame for the accident when the police showed up at the house minutes later because someone else called them
- The car was taken without my daughter’s permission
- We ended up paying for the car so our daughter could work
- She is making payments a year later-still.
- She has never had a job.
- She has never had a drivers’ license
- She never graduated from high school
- But did get a GED
- She is a heavy smoker and drinker
- She does not talk.
- She acts, walks, dresses and talks like a male.
- She is totally unsociable to those around her
- Her entire family is the same way
I realize my daughter is at fault here too-not just me. She accepts this behavior. Why? Because my child does not think she can do better! I did not raise her to think this way. So where did she learn her beliefs? My child loves men. But because the right man could not be found worth anything; she gave up. Undeniably, I tried to accept her as the new love of my daughter’s life, but I just could not keep the food in my stomach while I was lying. I could not even look at her. I would dislike this girl even if she were a man. But this shortcoming is not totally my fault! It actually began years before unbeknown to me.
My youngest daughter had a paper route. The girl’s mother lived on the paper route. Naturally, the girl lived with her mother. Because my daughter was little, I did the route with her. I drove. Everyday we delivered the papers. 365 days a year for six years including holidays. Although her mother did not take the paper, she lived next door to a loyal couple that did. My youngest daughter walked by the house where she lived everyday. My daughter waved at the women who lived there for years. No one waved back. She would be sitting on the porch watching as we walked by or drove by. Not once did anyone in the house made any actions to answer our greetings. How rude! Eventually, we stopped trying. This behavior truly contributed and encouraged my dislike. How could anyone treat another person this way? Especially a little girl, delivering papers one saw each day? Therefore, when my eldest daughter brought her home as her new beau, I could not place where I knew her. My daughter said we met her during basketball season in high school. She was on varsity. My daughter was on the freshmen team. But I did not remember her from that at all.
As karma would have it, when she wrecked my daughter’s car, my husband and I had to have it towed from where the car was. I saw where she lived. All the memories came flooding back. How unfortunate! How can I overcome the distain I have for her especially now that she wants to marry my daughter? Oh my God! My thoughts make me scared. I am going to hell. Did I mention, my daughter gave up her apartment and moved in with this woman? She has her own apartment. This is the only positive thing I can find about her. Well, the apartment is in the worst neighborhood. It is infested with bed bugs and questionable people. The bugs have bitten my daughter’s fact up so badly, that she now has huge black marks on her fair, light brown skin. The bugs do not bite the other person. Not to mention my daughter has been locked out of the apartment numerous times when the woman gets drunk or high.
What the hell! My daughter has the problem because she continues to tolerate being mistreated in such a destitute and pitiful manner. Now instead of having a man treat her badly, my child lets a woman treat her equally if not worse. Why could she find a person worthy of her male or female? As many lesbians as there are in the world, could she not have picked one with more going on for her? Is it fair for my daughter to give herself to a lesbian when she is not truly one herself by her own admission?
She got a job recently. Whoopi! It is her first job. She is thirty-one. As of today, she has worked maybe three weeks. Four of those days she has called off sick. Who does that on a new job? She said her heart murmur is giving her problems. She has had the same heart all of her life. Now it is giving her problems? I think she does not want to work. My daughter told her if she did not get a job, the relationship was over. I was hopeful.
My daughter knows I do not like her new mate. Of course, in my daughter’s mind, there is no reason for my behavior. I have been polite to her. I have talked to her. I just cannot force myself to like her, accept her or be around her. I fear this is out of my control. Shouldn’t there be something likable about the girl for me to like? Perhaps, if she had not messed up so much. Maybe if she had not lied like she did, my opinion would have been different. I tried for the sake of my relationship with my daughter. So who is lying to whom? I truly do not want to lose my baby over this! She is not worth it. Now, I must embrace the truth. This ain’t happening anytime soon! Damn It.
- I’m going to hell- AGAIN!