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Emptyness, Hope, Faith, Referees, Sports, Wisdom

Finding Myself

Okay, I’ve discovered that I have no life without my kids who are all grown. I have no real job because no one wants to hire a fifty something, Master degree teacher with over twenty years experience. I have no where I have to go. I have very little money of my own from my not so real jobs. Where does that leave me? Perhaps I should be depressed. I suppose I should not want to get up out of my bed. But that’s just not the case. I want to do something different with my life. I just don’t know what it is yet. My husband looks at me every day expecting me to fall apart and melt like butter in a hot microwave. Not yet, but I do admit to wanting an opportunity to come my way. I need something great to happen.

My husband is still working. Therefore, I am home alone when I’m not substitute teaching. I know there’s got to be something out there for me.  Where?  I have no way of knowing how to find it. I have applied for every job. I’ve looked under every rock for an opportunity-nothing has come about yet.  It has been years.  Boring! I never thought then when I got my age that I would be idle with no dreams or hopes and nowhere to go. 😳

As a mom, it was my job to make sure that I did what was best for my children’s future. For years I guided them on what classes to take, went to parent teacher conferences, checked on their homework, took them to school and to after school activities- always something. I taught too. Then, I got laid-off from my full time teaching job-one Thursday I believe. Still, I continued doing for my children.  

Suddenly, I woke on a quiet Sunday morning.  Silence in the house.  My husband sleeping like a baby next to me.  I realized my babies were grown and in college.  My role in their lives was over. It is over! Now, where am I? What do I do now? I had my first and only full blown panic attack.  I have never felt so useless in my life.  I cried without waking the man next to me in bed.

What did I do with my life before children? Nothing! I spent my life then looking for a career.  With my expensive Eastern education, I thought it would me no problem find a good job.  Ha ha ha. I guess little has changed except the fact it is almost thirty years later.  I am still looking for the elusive job.  

So I must evaluate my assets. My ass certainly has gotten bigger.  I can work on reducing that for sure.  I do not want to go back and work full-time; too old for taking shit.  At my age, it will certainly be something I do not wish to do anyway.  Maybe I should concentrate on my talents. Perhaps I can do something with those to eek out a living. 

I write. I knit. I crochet. I coach. I officiate volleyball and softball. I love to garden.  I love my animals.  I adore the people who love me. So where is my future?  

Any ideas? Suggestions? Let me know.



One thought on “Finding Myself

  1. I want to say this: You did a great job being a mother! Now that your children are off on their own its now time for you to focus on you, your talents, and your loves! You said you love gardening, knitting, writing, and crocheting. I would go into one or more of those especially the writing…and I would also say to feed your nurturing bug you should volunteer at an animal shelter or rescue! Possibly coach intramural sports as a side gig just to keep you busy. Keep moving forward it makes the ride more fun 😀


    Posted by BChikBoutik | April 27, 2015, 5:40 pm

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