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Coping, Despair, Hope, Faith, sadness

I Need

My self-esteem has taken a huge punch in the face. The worst part is, there’s nothing I can do to redeem myself from me.  Everything I’ve tried and everything I’ve attempted to do-has failed miserably.  I do not know how to help me anymore. So I have decided to give up trying and just be who I am every day that I live. I don’t mean for this to sound depressing.  I am just telling the truth. When someone tries everything they can to make what’s right happen, if it does not, what else is there to do? Live life and deal with what comings along. 

However who am I fooling? There’s so much I need. I just cannot ignore them. I need to feel that I can be successful  again. Remind me again.  What does successful mean? I want to be able to buy myself a lunch without borrowing money. I want to be able to buy myself a bra without wearing two because neither one fits correctly.  I need to help my family survive in our cruel surrounding. Unfortunately, I spend too much of my time doubting myself. Doubting oneself is a terrible thing. It is like learning to walk and afraid to take a step. Where did I go; where did the real me disappear to? The self doubt occurs before I have time to think about it. I wish I could stop such thoughts before I think them. 

Trying to make sure that I have some means of income this summer, I decided to be a softball umpire. Being a softball umpire means that I could make $100 or $200 a week doing games in the summer.  Perhaps I won’t have to go a whole summer again with no money. I passed all the required tests. I did the class. It’s not the classes, or the tests that frighten me.  I fear making decisions and standing by the calls I make with people up in my face screaming at me. I do not think I believe in myself enough to make the calls behind the plate especially.   Did that little girl strike out? Was she out or safe?  I do not have that much confidence in me anymore even though I have been around the game all my life coaching and working with my own children.  What a damn shame!

I am scared. I have lost my job, my income, my insurances, my savings, all my fake friends I did not know I had- and possibly my home.  I am naked to the world and I feel like I am bending over.   How do I teach me to trust myself anymore?  What can I say to me to make me believe in who I could be?  

I need a healthy dose of something great. I need that to occur more than once-that I can begin to believe in miracles again. I need to be able to give and not always have to received.  I need to be able to buy my husband and my children a gift- just once more again. I need to feel that I am worth something. Year after year,after year, after year is too much shit for anyone to endure.  I am a grown adult woman. How is it I feel so much like a child?Children cannot provide for themselves. My life makes me feel I am just that-a child. 

Yet, I keep trying.  Do I have a choice?

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