Perhaps the reason things do not happen as I would like is because I do not pray effectively to achieve my goals. Of course, I do not believe I am not suppose to accomplish what I desire. I feel my soul is trapped lacking an escape. I pray, but it appears my prayers fall on semi-listening ears. It is said, “If you want to hear God laugh- tell him your goals!”
I have no goals anymore. I have tried consistently to alter my life in its present state. I have failed I to enact meaningful, positive change. As a result, I strive to accomplish the things I enjoy to pass the time until I am enlighten to the next phase revealed for me in my life. I would not say I am depressed, although I get depressed. I get up everyday and say, “What small thing can I accomplish today that will make my life worth living. If I can fulfill some of those things- I have had a good day. I can sleep.
Just before I close my eyes to sleep, I look into myself and say my prayers:
God, I am not bothered with material things, for I truly want for little. I ask for fulfillment. Show me how to find the ability to support myself with my experiences and education. I need the chance once again, to be able to stand on my own without relying on my husband or children. I want to have spending money. Can I have a steady income worthy of who I am and would like to be? Help me to believe that my life is not completed- that I have more to accomplish. Help me to appreciate that I have been successful and made a difference in the lives of those I have touched. Make me not feel so inadequate and unusable. I want to be needed. As always God, protect my family and those I love especially since I am unable to help them myself. Lastly, if nothing else comes true, please know that the safety and happiness of my family is enough in it self for me. I am strong. I will survive.
I guess the problem is, I do not want to waste a prayer asking for what I cannot change. I do not want to waste another prayer asking for what others should pray for. I do not want to ask for what I really should not have. I do not want to pray against the gifts to come. I do not want to tamper with fate. “So why pray at all?” I think. Hope and Faith are the reason. So why don’t my prayers happen? I guess I just do not know what or how to pray effectively or efficiently. I just continue to believe.