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It Is Stupid Really!

It is stupid really-I am lying here warm in my bed in an almost silent room. All that can be heard is the soft, steady breathing of my husband sleeping next to me. I should be pleased because at this exact moment-all is well; or is it? I feel so helpless inside and alone. Like there is nothing that I can do for me and no one who understands. I see pity in the eyes of those glad they are not me.

It is stupid really-I should be worrying about my family- not about myself. I feel a desperation like I am on the brink of destruction. I can’t propel myself to make the leap to a better place. A place where I know I can find complacency with the destiny I can make for myself.

It is stupid really-I am so mad at me. Why can’t I escape this terrible place I am in? I feel like I am being held down somehow awaiting my destiny. I have no control. I have never in my life been able to tolerate having no control of me. Hence, I do not do drugs or drink seriously. I must be in control of who I am at all times.

It is stupid really-Why can’t I accept that controlling my life is impossible. There are too many outside forces that impact me without my consent. I must accept that there is nothing I can do to release me for the confinements that others have inflicted upon me. How do I vacate this trap that I have been forced into ? For I will not be released willingly. I am the exhibit. I am the show. Who is enjoying watching me suffer?

It is stupid really-How long before I can persuade me that there is life after assholes? How does a great teacher teach this powerful lesson when she is the student? I deserve to enjoy my life- to have some measure of delight.

It is stupid really-that I am having so much difficulty rescuing me. Getting a job gives one respect and permits one to feel like they have done something valuable for their day.

It is just stupid really-hoping that today things will get tolerable and be better.

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