My mother-in-law lives with us. She is eighty-six years young. Born prior to the 1930’s in the deep south, she sees life differently. She stands about five feet four. She walks with a cane rather quickly even though she is hunched over like the character Yoda in Star Wars. She is a dark skinned, highly religious Southern Baptist woman. She prays three times a day-on her knees. All my husband’s life she raised her children in a big city. But her soul never left her Southern upbringing.
As a result, she clashes with her modern children and grandchildren. I cannot even begin to explain my relationship with her. But, yesterday I took her to the dentist. On the way home,she asked me what I thought of a relative of ours being with another woman. I immediately got suspicious. Where was this conversation going? Before I could answer she said,“I just do not understand that kind of relationship. The Bible says it is a sin.”
At this point I had already had a few seconds of rolling my eyes. This was not a subject I wanted to talk about. I could never hit a safe point with her on the Bible. I went to church, but not enough to talk Bible with her. Thank goodness she did not wait for my response.
“Tell me baby,” she said turning her body toward mine. “What exactly do they do together?”
I did not expect this question. I glanced over quickly at her face. She was serious. Could not believe she asked me that question. I stuttered with a reply. But again, she did not wait for my answer. I was grateful.
“I just do not see what a woman can do for me. We have the same parts! They work the same way!” She said looking at me with an extreme look of concentration and concern.
I started to laugh. Of course it was the wrong thing to do. She said irritated,“Stop laughing at me! This is not funny!”
I apologized. I was not laughing out of humor, but my unease with the conversation. I told her I never thought of it that way before. She was right. Reaching over and lightly tapping my leg as I drove, she said,“So how do they…ah, be together? What do they do?”
Remembering she is 86 years old and highly religious, what was I to say? So, I told the truth.
“I guess they would use a dildo.” I whispered trying to hold back a giggle because I knew her response would no doubt intrigue me.
“What? What did you say?” she said. She is hard of hearing in one ear.
“They use a dildo!” I said speaking louder, more clearly and leaning her way.
“A dilly. A dil a…? What?” She said confused.
“A rubber-like penis.” I said.
Her eyes opened real wide. “What! A what! Oh,oh my!” She started to fidget. “Well,how is that used?” I saw this question coming.
“It is used in the place of a man’s penis.” I said with a giggle. There was a pregnant pause of shock from her.
“Oh my,my,my,my,my!” Is all she could say for a while.
“They make them with vibrators attacked!” I said with a smile adding fuel to the fire. “The vibrators cause them to move differently.” At the traffic light, she continued to stare at me. I looked at her. Then she shook her head.
“Are there rules about which one does the poking? I am going to have to talk to that girl about her behavior. Maybe give her a new Bible.” With that she started to hum and look straight forward. The conversation had come to an end.
It was my turn to shake my head. Good luck with that I thought. I chuckled to myself the rest of the way home in silence. I could not wait to tell my husband what we discussed in the car. Of course, he thought the entire conversation was hilarious. It was nice to see him laugh.